Last night, I was returning an email from a dear reader who said she was struggling to find the strength it took to pray- especially during this difficult time in her life. As I wrote simple words of encouragement to her, I was flooded with memories of the same exact feelings, and the same dilemma. When I needed a connection with Heavenly Father in that most pivotal and challenging time in my life, my frazzled brain couldn't concentrate long enough to utter two sentences. I was at a loss for words. I'm never at loss for words; but I was then. I didn't have what it took to really pray and when I told my therapist this, he said "Write to God, then".
And so began my Letters to Heaven.
I won't post them all as they are very personal, but I will post the first prayer I ever wrote. Its symbolism to me is magnificent! The powerful conviction that even in my darkest of times, I could bear my heart and soul through words on paper, to the very person who loves and cares for me the most, and know, without any doubt, that it was read by Him, word for word.
After responding to this new friend of mine late last night, it just so happened that I came across the very prayers that I had forgotten all about and archived away. This, I believe, was no coincidence.
What a subtle, yet comforting reminder it is that I am never, ever alone.
March 10, 2010
I've been distant. I know. It's been a really really long time since I've come to You. You know, I've always thought when something tragic would happen, You would be the first person I'd go to... I thought it would be easy. Now, here I sit, 2 weeks after this horrible mess started and I haven't been able to get through a whole prayer... I'm not sure why? But, my marriage counselor today gave me a wonderful idea- to write to You instead. I thought it was brilliant! So, here I am... writing a prayer...
I'm so beyond words at this point. I'm so heart broken. I never ever ever thought I'd have to go through anything this painful in my life. I'm so hurt. My heart hurts. I'm hurt that my family is on the verge of destruction. I'm hurt that I may never trust him again. I'm hurt that Little Dude may be the child of divorced parents. I never thought 'divorce' would be a word I'd ever have to consider... never in a million years! I need strength and courage as I go though this. I need help making decisions that will be best for Little Dude and I. I want to support my husband. I want to make it work. I just don't know if what has been broken can be mended. I have compassion for him. I feel sorry for him. I can't imagine his pain, BUT he has murdered and destroyed everything we had, everything we were planning for. This has forever affected our marriage. FOREVER!
I know I've made mistakes.... I know.... But I feel that those things are so minute compared to what he's done! I want to forgive, I do. I need strength to forgive him... BUT, how will I be able to maintain this relationship? How will I ever trust him ever again? He's addicted. He's put our entire family at risk. Is this the kind of life I want to live? Does Little Dude deserve this? I need help rebuilding my faith and trust in You. I need to feel of Your comfort. I need to feel of the Saviors love. I need to know that it's ALL real... that Jesus is real.... that he lived and died for me.... that there is a plan... that I am a child of God... that You love me....
Please be with me. Please, please, please stay by my side!