Monday, April 2, 2012

Q & A: TRUST

Trust is a word that I've been thinking about a lot, as of late, and apparently I'm not the only one. I received these 2 statements/questions, from 2 different women, within just 2 days of one another. 


  • I'd also love to read about how you were able to trust again when you started dating...

  • So my question is, how do I trust again even among the doubts? How do I guard myself yet have faith in him?

The first statement came from a reader who is not married, nor is she dealing with addiction and/or infidelity in her current relationship. However, years ago her family life was destroyed by her fathers infidelity, which has caused some trust issues in her life, including her relationship.

The second question(s) came from a reader whose husband has struggled with pornography addiction in the past but is making significant and wonderful strides in overcoming it.

Both readers, regardless of being in totally different situations, are trying to figure out just exactly how to trust again. And, as it will be no surprise to any of you, SO AM I! Despite our differences, the answer of how to begin trusting again is quite simple...


You ready for it????


TRUST YOURSELF! 


Because no matter how hard you try or how much you want to, you can't control anyone else!

No magic wand will guarantee that my future husband (or current boyfriend) won't hurt me someday. Or that he won't lie to me. Or that he won't become addicted to something (anything) someday. Or that he won't cheat on me. There is no guarantee that my WORST nightmare won't come true AGAIN. The unfortunate reality is that I have absolutely NO control, whatsoever, over the choices he (or anyone else) will make in their lives.

But what I do have control over is MYSELF and trusting ME is most important!


Why?


Let's say something bad does happen (depending on your particular situation) and he does make a poor choice. Because of my solid foundation of faith and trust in myself (knowing that I can and will make it through whatever comes my way; no matter how horrible and unbelievable it may seem), the choices made by others will not define me, nor will they have the power to destroy me.

Once I have developed how to trust myself, it is then that I become more capable and skilled in trusting others; something I'm learning firsthand, right now, with Seth (my man-friend).  After all I've endured, it's extremely difficult to just 'trust' him completely... and I don't to be totally honest. I don't have to fully trust him, because I'm discovering that by trusting myself and using the ability to discern, I can pretty much feel if something is off. I can feel if he (or anyone for that matter) isn't being 100% truthful about something, no matter what it is. 

How do I know this?

I feel SAFE in his presence. 


My creepy guy detector isn't going off. I feel comfortable with what he's saying, but more importantly, I feel comfortable with what he's doing. For instance, on Saturday I might have triggered and then grilled him, lit.er.ally, about when the last time he viewed porn was (I think my last post on that freaked me out slightly... lol). I felt totally numb and began to shake as I asked the question but as he started to answer it, my anxiousness subsided and I felt a calming peace. Not just about his words but by the way he carried the entire conversation. His whole aura was calm, he looked into my eyes, he was understanding and non-defensive (which is HUGE) and he was more than willing to talk about whatever I wanted, and for however long I needed. This was amazing for me.


I trusted myself and the way I felt, therefor it was easier to trust him.














And this is the magnificent power of trusting oneself, first. By doing so, we have the remarkable power to discern if something is amiss (which will allow us to more freely trust others), as well as the extraordinary strength to truly believe that whatever happens, no matter what our future holds, no matter what choices other people in our lives make, and no matter how difficult it may be, we will come out undefeated and stronger than before.


***Do YOU trust yourself? Have you ever thought of it this way? When my shrink told me this, it was as if a giant 2x4 was whacked over my head! Such a great insight if you ask me :)

25 comments:

  1. As you know from our email correspondence, I have experienced a betrayal of trust as well. What I have tried to be very cognizant of is the fact that trustworthy people should not be punished for what happened before them....that is, I can't hold something against someone who has done nothing to justify mistrust just because the previous person did violate my trust. Does that make sense? I guess that seemed kind of rambly. It's human nature to be a bit "gun shy" when our trust has been violated, but I believe that we should not take that out on the next person unless they give us a reason to. I think you said it best when you said to "trust yourself". Great post as always Jacy.

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    1. Wonderful post, Jacy! Brava!

      I too have asked myself this question in regards to the future. I'm still petrified to even go on a date, but little by little I'm feeling stronger. I know that in the past I was so proficient at telling myself little stories to justify whatever it IS that deep down inside I knew was just not right, but... for whatever the reason, I needed to believe. I refused to listen to that voice inside that was imploring me to RUN in the opposite direction! If I had, I would not be writing this, right now. Whenever I look back at all of the dumb things I did and/or told myself things like "oh, its okay, it was JUST a misunderstanding," "I was just imagining things." Or One of my faves; "he was just having an 'off' day."

      There is no "just."

      So, so many things I told myself because *I* NEEDED to believe, but in reality had no basis in the truth. I realized in retrospect that it was ME all along, refusing to listen to myself. I didn't trust myself and as you said, that is where it needs to begin. In addition to trust its also respecting myself enough to not accept crumbs and being (kinda sorta, but not really) okay with that. Its okay if that's all a man has to offer; absolutely! Its just not for me, that's all.

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    2. Keith...

      That, too, is something SO important! And I'm learning that as well. It's so hard NOT to assume or place blame on other people, especially when you've experienced this sort of betrayal, BUT it's so true.

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    3. Lexie!

      That is so spot on! ABSOLUTELY! Brushing our feelings under the rug... brushing whatever it is that doesn't feel right, far away, so that we don't think about it... placing the root of the issue back on 'us' when really, our gut was trying to tell us something... this happened more than once in my marriage. At the time, I didn't know what the feelings were or how to identify it, but looking back (2 years later) it was so painfully obvious!

      I love the word, respect in there too... self respect... And YES on setting specific boundaries and qualifications in a man.

      I plan to post more on that on a later date...

      Thank you for sharing this ;)

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  2. Jacy - I'm running out the door, but cannot wait to read this!

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    1. YAY! You look adorable today, btw :)

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    2. Thanks so much, Jacy! I got a notification about your comment on today's post, but it's not showing up on my blog for some reason. :( In installed Disqus last week and things have been buggy. Didn't want you to think I had deleted it or not approved it - hopefully I can get it fixed soon.

      This post is amazing, and you are so so right - a huge part of trust is relinquishing control because there is never going to be a 100% guarantee that bad things won't happen. That is so hard for me to do, and a really unhealthy habit I've developed is being a total control freak and wanting to call all the shots on every aspect of my own relationship. And I've never considered it from a trusting myself perspective, but you are so right on that front, too - that fear of "what would happen to me if ..." is completely debilitating, and if we're confident in ourselves and that we could survive anything, then we can let go of that fear. You hit the nail on the head, lady! Have a wonderful week.

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    3. Debilitating... PERFECT WORD! I love what I learn from all you wonderful ladies out there! YES!

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  3. I love your blog - I can't wait to read more!! Definitely a new follower :-)
    Sarah
    sarahsavvystyle.blogspot.com

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    1. Welcome Sarah! So glad to have you here!!!!!

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  4. Confidence plays a major role too, I think. It goes along with trusting yourself. If you're confident in who you are, in your abilities, your good qualities, and what you bring to a relationship, then it seems to make it easier. Being confident in your awesomeness means not really having to worry about your S.O. being sneaky or cheating or anything, because you know how good of a catch you are and because confidence is sexy and the person you're in a relationship with will almost undoubtedly be drawn to your confidence.

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    1. Totally Casey... in fact, I had confidence written in there toady but decided to take it out and save it for another post haha!

      This is absolute truth! Confidence in ourselves is crucial! Thank you for sharing that!

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  5. I love this. I actually do trust myself. In fact, I have great confidence in myself, my intelligence, and my ability to heal were something to break up my marriage. What you said just made SO much sense to me. Thank you for posting this!!

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    1. This just gave me goose pimples Mac. Seriously!

      p.s. I think we should connect if you're in SLC area :)

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  6. Another great post! So enjoyed reading it.

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  7. I'm so happy you are still here Shaunie! I think you might be the very one who has been with me the longest :)

    XOXO

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  8. As always, beautiful words. I think this is so right. In the wake of betrayal you doubt everything, especially yourself. How did I not see this? Am I blind? Stupid? in la-la land? There were so many signs and I didn't have a clue. Being put through that really hones your trusting and sense of self. I love how you have really come to be yourself and I admire how you stand up for yourself and what you want.

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    1. Thank you April, it's been a sloooooooooow process but it's coming together!

      No you weren't in la-la land... it's just that we trusted completely and didn't know what to look for... and unfortunately our men took advantage of that.

      I love you April... one day at a time... you will heal... slowly but surely.

      XOXO

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  9. This was really good- good stuff. I love how you said that we can never be sure of the future, if we could there would be no need for faith. But when we trust our judgement to make good choices, and our strength to deal with all our circumstances, we will be okay.

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  10. thanks for stopping by my blog! I'm playing catch up with yours but I'm sorry to hear about your previous relationship and struggles you went through. I think as woman we all have a hard time with trust at some point in our lives. I use to be a very jealous person, which drove my loved one to stop telling me things. I lost trust in him, but over the years I realized that i needed to just "grow up". There was no need to be jealous, it was petty, and i also need to learn to love myself and all my wonderful qualities. Once that happened, our relationship did a 180 and we have never been so honest with each other. Its amazing how happier a relationship is when there is trust

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    1. This is so true.... I'm so glad to hear that your relationship has taken a turn for the better :)

      I'm excited to get to know you better!!

      XO

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  11. How do you get back to trusting yourself?

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  12. S,

    I'm not entirely sure! As you can see from my recent post, there are times when I don't trust myself... and then I trigger...

    For me, and I plan to post on this later, it's been about discerning what are 'good feelings' compared to 'bad feelings'. If they are bad feelings and I know that Satan is trying to get in my mind and mess around, I MUST push them out... far far away...

    It is really hard trying to trust yourself again because I was so blinded the first time... trusting and naive... but I think it's a matter of feeling what's inside... and leaning on that higher power to guide you... and of course running it by your shrink to see what he has to say about it... lol :)

    I'm 2 years out and I am STILL working on it. I still trigger and cry and freak out ALL the darn time... but with time it is getting easier and easier...

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