Pioneer Woman

I've had a few different women inquire about divorce and when and how I knew it was the right decision for me.

Being in the LIMBO phase was awful. You're not sure what you're doing at all. You can't figure out why you're staying. But you can't really imagine leaving either. You hope he can get better. Can he get better? Will he get better? What if he gets better after I leave? What about my kid(s)? How will I know if/when I've given it enough of a fight? When can I gracefully bow out, knowing that I've tried my damnedest? Will I regret leaving him? WHEN WILL I KNOW? There were so many times I felt helpless and wished that someone would just tell me what to do- fight or flight.

Welcome to a living hell.

Looking back though, limbo phase is a really crucial place to be in. It's a place of self growth in every form because if you kick it into survival mode and become a PIONEER WOMAN, there will be no impossible choice to make-- it will be made for you. And because you've gone through such an empowering phase, you will be stronger and even more capable to march on no matter what lies ahead.

In this post I will explain How to Become a Pioneer Woman in the Modern Age:

Soon after discovery, depending on the safety/risk that the misbehaving husband has put the wife and children in, some pioneer women will choose to separate. I did right away. But even if you are still living with your spouse and the severity isn't worthy of immediate separation (or separation at all), these principles can still apply.


Pack up your wagon, load your small children in and start the arduous journey across the plains. Don't sit around waiting for and expecting your spouse to change. This is going to be a long, dangerous trek either way so GET BUSY. Carry on. By doing so, your husband will have one of THREE choices.

1) He can choose to wander off before (or anytime during) the journey, thus making the decision for you.  You go at it alone regardless if you wanted him there.

OR

2) He can choose to tag along adding 200+ pounds to the already heavy load by dangling his feet off the back of the wagon. He might chip in here and there with a woe to me attitude. While you pull you his weight with the unimaginable strength that you didn't know existed within you, he will become a hindrance, making the task of survival even more challenging. He'll cause a dusty mess and he'll slow you down.

OR

3) He can choose to whip it into shape and help pull the hefty and packed-to-the-brim wagon. He will FIGHT for this cause. He will do WHATEVER it takes to ensure that his family will be sheltered and fed and as comfortable as possible. He will be a healthy, necessary addition to the traveling party. He will not complain or mope. His primary focus will be to PROTECT his family by keeping them safe and out of harms way. He will surprise you and all those around him. If he's doing everything humanly possible to make things easier for you, you'll be drawn to him. Even if you want to gouge his eyes out for what he did (addiction, infidelity, lies), if he is doing things RIGHT, you will {unexplainably} want him around. Miracles happen.

It sounds really easy, right? Unfortunately in Limbo-Land nothing makes sense. Everything is foggy. Husband may be up one day and down the next; adding more weight to the handcart some days and lightening it other days.  You're riddled with confusion.

This is why limbo is so crucial because just as the pioneers didn't cross the plains overnight, neither will you.

So, you wait. You wait as long as you deem necessary before moving in one way or another. You blaze the trail and you see where it takes you. After enough time has passed and you get a clearer vision of the whole situation, then you re-evaluate.  You re-evaluate if he's making the trek better or worse. You re-evaluate how you feel in his presence- safe or unsafe. If he is improving, even in the slightest of ways and is easing the burden, he can stay. If however he is doing nothing more than bogging you down, putting all those in your camp at even more risk, it might be time to leave him behind. Your safety and that of your children take precedence.

I waited 6 months before making the decision to leave the man I loved on the trail. The choice had become clear. The proof was in the pudding. I forged ahead alone with my two year old by my side.

I had become a pioneer woman.

I killed my own buffalo.

I made it to the valley, bruised and malnourished... but I made it. And so did my son. What started as a party of 3 ended being a duo. One man was down. Was I disappointed? Yes. Did I have different hopes/expectations? Yes. Did I mourn? Yes. Was this how I envisioned my life would be? No.

But it was.

If you are in the thick of the turbulent uncertainty of Limbo-Land, breath..... it's okay! A decision doesn't have to made right now. It's okay to float around for awhile. Don't dwell on the past... don't try to imagine the future (it's mind-frazzling)... just focus on the NOW and do what it takes to survive.

On my anonymous blog 2 years ago, I posted this picture of a dog-tag I made with this sentence:


"I am a pioneer woman. This is what I've been dealt so buck up, chin up, and keep on going!"

I still have this necklace and I wear it occasionally. It reminds me of how I became (and still am) a Pioneer Woman- with or without him.


** This is my own interpretation of the principles I was taught by my in-tuned therapist, Maurice Harker.

** I mentioned this analogy to a friend via her blog and it was as if a light bulb popped on. She is one of the many awesome women I know and you can read how it helped her HERE! 


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