My Name is KATHY

“Life is what happens… while you’re busy making other plans.”  
Beautiful Boy by the late (great) John Lennon. 

My name is Kathy, and I live that sentence. 

I have a good life.  I live in New York City, in a rent-controlled apartment with far more space than anyone of my income level could normally afford.  Two roommates who are like family.  A decent survival job that pays enough. I have friends, a great family, two super-cute nephews, and season tickets to the Yankees.  I am blessed with a healthy, whole body. Everything is fine.

I am thirty-seven years old.  I am single (never married), and I have basically no career.

Let’s address these, shall we?

I am single. We’re talking completely single.  You cannot be more single than I am: no boyfriend since 1995. Going more than a year between dates; my record is three. (Three-plus, actually, but darn it, I never wrote it down.)  The last date I went on was set up, and that was…18 months ago.  And second dates?  Just about…. never.  (I realize I might be destroying any chances I have for future dates with this concession.  C’est ma vie.)  I get crushes on guys…and guys get crushes on me…and NEVER ONCE has it been reciprocated on either side. 

I had one boyfriend at age 21, right before my church mission.  He fell in love with me with such speed, ferocity and lack of common sense that I can only conclude he was sent by Satan to keep me from going on a mission. I fasted and prayed, and I knew, just knew, this guy was not right for me. I went to Costa Rica and he got married (and divorced and remarried, but that’s another story), and I figured, it’s fine. I’m doing what I should be doing. I will be “blessed.”  And yes, I had some pretty specific blessings in mind: a successful career and a family of my own. 

Years rolled by.  I went to college, I got jobs...I got a Master’s...still, my writing didn’t sell, and I didn’t date.  And I was fine!  Still young!  Maybe in Utah, where I grew up, people would look at me funny, but here in New York being 30 and single isn’t unusual, nor is it unusual to have to work long and hard in order to succeed.

(Well-meaning people have mentioned that Utah is a far more marriage-minded culture, and moving to New York, “What did I expect?”  Allow me to point out: people get married here too.)

I have focused on other things. I am a writer, of novels and screenplays...which haven’t sold.  I have a good day job, and they support my real passion, which is nice.  I got a Bachelor’s and a Master’s in writing.  I put a lot of thought and prayer into my career choice, and I know that I’m doing what I should be doing.  I keep working, and even though, ten-plus years in, I still have no career, I firmly believe there will be one. So I keep working. And life continues, inexorably forward.

So yes, I’m fine.  And yet. 

When you meet someone here, the first question is usually, “What do you do?”  I have that answer down: I’m a secretary by day and a writer by night.  They ask if they’ve ever heard of my work. (People, if you had, I wouldn’t be a secretary by day).  And then , because I’m obviously too old to be single:   “How many children do you have?”  or “Where’s your husband?”  (Oh, that I knew.) 

I smile, sometimes make a joke about it, and they’re generally embarrassed enough that I can enjoy it a little. But beyond that, most of the time I see some pity.  And then the question in their eyes: “So what’s wrong with her?”

The last question is the killer.  Because believe me, I have asked it myself. Since nothing happens for me, personally or professionally, surely there is something wrong.  So many of my friends got married, got great jobs, sold books and screenplays.  I threw them bridal showers, publishing parties, celebration dinners.  And it’s getting harder.

“What’s wrong with me? Why isn’t anything happening? No marriage or career?!” I asked those questions more and more. People said, “Become the  person you want to marry.”  This is entwined with my writing, but I decided to stretch beyond that. So I learned new languages; I became a good cook; I sing; I took up running and yoga. I’ve traveled. I’ve done therapy to work through “issues.” I work hard.  I’d marry me.  

And now I truly believe this “what is wrong?” question is harmful.

Because here’s the thing: if you’re working hard, on yourself or on your career, the “what is wrong” part doesn’t matter. There may well be something wrong. But you’re not the only one.  Plenty of people with serious problems get married; plenty of genuinely lovely people get divorced or stay single. Plenty of very talented people never get recognition; plenty of high-flying careers crash and burn.

Everyone has problems, some more serious than others.  Yes, we should fix what we can.  But sometimes things are simply out of our hands.  You can focus on your problems, obsess and cry and complain, and that won’t fix them.  Often, trying to fix them won’t fix them. So...there’s that elusive middle ground:  Do what you can, pray, try to fix it, and be happy with what you have.  

I choose to believe that something great is around the corner, whether it’s marriage or career or, preferably, both. And meanwhile I choose to enjoy things that I do have.  Forty looms in a few years, and there is a real possibility I will never give birth to a child…but I have two nephews who are beyond adorable (seriously, I know people say this, but these two boys are unbelievably cute) and one niece or nephew on the way.  I don’t have a writing career... but I have been blessed with the ability to persevere, and a steady day job that allows me to pursue it.  I deeply appreciate being in good health.  And I seriously, genuinely, deeply believe that God knows my situation and my life, and that He has a plan for me.  And like it or not, I’m in the midst of it and things are going according to that plan.

So I carry on, doing what I’m doing.  Because... regardless of the plans we make, life will happen.


**Remember, the purpose of this series is to open our hearts, to interact, to uplift, to support and to GROW. Kathy will be reading your comments and so, you may comment directly to her. While no one wants pity, I am certain any questions you have and/or words of encouragement would be welcomed.


**Kathy, you are so beautiful inside and out! And even though you might not see it this way, I'm amazed at all of the things you have accomplished in your life thus far! Thank you so much for sharing this part of you, despite its very personal nature. Your words are so wise... and I know others will greatly benefit from them. I know I did, immensely.