When was the last time you made an uneducated, totally unfair assumption about someone?
Think about it!
Last week I received an email from an old high school
acquaintance which said:
"I am sorry. I know I don't know you personally, but I
did know your ex and when I heard you two divorced I admit that I assumed that
it was your fault. I obviously was totally wrong and had NO clue what was
really going on. I apologize for the judgement without knowing you or the
reasons for the divorce."
While I appreciate this sweet person reaching out to me, it
wasn't the sincere apology contained in this email that touched my heart, as
much as it was message within the words written. And while this isn't
about who's to blame for my divorce, this post is about being too quick to judge.
I am guilty of it and I know you are too.... because we have ALL made unnecessary, unwarranted, totally
uneducated assumptions and/or judgements before. It's apart of human
interaction, I think. We see, we hear, we process, our minds spin to the way we think it should be and then, we
cast theories that are sometimes accurate and other times, completely off-base.
I've grown not to like this little habit of mine and I can honestly say that I am trying to be more compassionate and
less quick to cast any stones- big or small. Because until you have
experienced someone's life experiences first hand (every second of every day), you have no idea what
their story is and why they are making the choices they are. You have no idea
the intricate details that have led them to the place wherein which they currently stand.
No story is alike. No human being is alike. No solution is alike.
No story is alike. No human being is alike. No solution is alike.
If I have learned anything monumental this last little
while, I think it is to withhold judgement as much as I possibly
can. Even in the times when I *think* I know what is going on OR in the times when I *do* know exactly what is going on, I try to step back and let other people use
their personal gift of free agency, allowing them to make the choices they feel are best.
And what's amazing about this idea is that the less I stew over the choices of others and my
dissatisfaction or disapproval of them, the more I'm able to steadily focus on my choices and thoughts, thus ensuring
that they are ones I can be proud of- day in and day out.
I know this is nothing you haven't been reminded of before, but I just felt the need to reiterate this golden rule:
Always, always treat others the way YOU wish to be treated.
**Thank you to this sweet person for writing in. There is such a grand lesson to be learned here, for all of us... because we are ALL guilty of it. Every single one of us. But it's about recognizing and making changes that really counts. You are awesome!
I wish you knew how passionate I am about this!! I love that you wrote a post on this. Judgment is so painful and harsh! Thanks for this Jacy!
ReplyDeleteWe all have a path to walk that may not be what we would do or how we would live our lives. I actively try all the time to just accept others as is, and just let them be. I think the real beauty of it is just knowing that we are capable of NOT doing it. xoxo
ReplyDeleteGreat post Jacy! You're right; we ALL do it and most of the time it happens so quick that we don't even think about it. But I like your way of thinking about it...sitting back and letting others think for themselves. Your posts always inspire me to want to be the best person that I can be. Thanks!
ReplyDeleteLoved this post! It's a good reminder that we all need to take a step back and look at our short comings, not others. Thanks for always putting things into perspective. You are awesome!
ReplyDeleteI completely agree! :) Thanks for being such an amazing example to so many people. Love ya!
ReplyDeleteYou are sweet Jess... thank you! You and I seem talk about this topic a lot, huh?? :)
Deletegreat post, jacy!
ReplyDeletethis has been on my mind lately too. i was recently reminded of a situation my little sister was in- as a young wife, she was pregnant walking alone through the mall and heard snickers and comments like "teen mom". my sister was 20 and married, the pregnancy was planned and a blessing. but she looks about 15 (good genes, i guess ;)) and people assume things.
when she called me up upset about about it, i told her to just flaunt her wedding ring so they can see that she's married. i thought about all the times that i had seen a pregnant woman who looked too young and decided things about her, i always look for a wedding ring first. but even THAT is wrong-headed- why do i get to judge a woman because she is or isn't married (or just isn't wearing her wedding band) and is or isn't pregnant.
this was brought to mind during my equal opportunity training last week- and your post just solidified the idea that we can't know the whole story and making snap judgements limits us and narrows our minds.
Love the ending sentence in here "Narrows our minds..." Spot on Jo. Exactly.
Deletei love that you are talking about this. i am surprised sometimes when i've judged or put someone in a category without even realizing it....like when i finally get to know them and i'm surprised by their personality, i think, "why am i surprised? why did i just assume they were a certain other way?" it definitely makes me try not to make decisions about people before knowing them.
ReplyDeleteGosh, I do this ALL the time too Katilda.. it's like "DUH! I was so off!"
DeleteThanks for this reminder!
ReplyDeleteI, too have done this and actually found myself writing a similar letter to a girl I knew that had been through a tough time and I had totally misjudged her. We aren't friends any more than before, but at least when I run into her (which has been several times in recent years) I feel like I can look at her and see her through different eyes and know that I at least put myself out there and apologized- even if she had no idea my preconceived notions of her. It does take a lot of guts to do so I think you and this person are wonderful for trying to better yourselves and how you see others and forgive.
ReplyDeleteI love this Al! And I love that you've made something right that was bothering you. What a great example you are!
DeleteAnd I totally agree... the person who wrote in was SO courageous and kind. I am forever grateful for her willingness to reach out.
what exactly qualifies as a "judgement" of someone? perhaps a person doesn't necessarily judge you about your life-story, etc. I just wonder, do you have a *general* definition of judging that people (I) could use to keep in mind? I have always been confused about what the difference is between judging and keeping yourself safe...(does that make sense?) I like this post a lot!
ReplyDeleteAnon-
DeleteI am SO glad you brought this up because just last night I had a waaaaay lengthier post about this... but then it seemed waaaaay too long and started to go onto another topic and so, I thought I'd wait and expound on that later.
I think you hit the nail on the head- there is a BIG difference between judging and keeping yourself safe. For me, it's called discernment. I'll get to writing the rest of it so we can continue the conversation about this... sound good? I'm so glad you liked this post but I'm more glad you brought this up because I do think this is equally as important. :)
p.s. are you a new Anon? If so, welcome... if not, nice to have you commenting again ;) Maybe you could come up with a little code name to sign your comments as, just so I can keep who is who better. I love correlating your recent comments with your past comments.
XO
Jacy
Love your post, Jacy, and really look forward to the follow-up, too...because sometimes the 'not judging' thing really can be misunderstood, especially by those who need to take steps to keep themselves safe!
DeleteI hope it's ok to share this link, but I liked this talk by Dallin Oaks about just this topic of appropriate judgment vs. unrighteously judging.
Another thought I just had -- maybe when I have that judgey thought that comes all too often, rather than just cast it away, I can ask myself why I'm feeling this way...because I think that often there is a fear or an insecurity (which can elicit a faulty run for a sense of false superiority) running underneath my inappropriate judgments.
DeleteBecause in truth, we are all messed-up mortals in need of mercy. And I suspect that if I'm honest with myself, my knee-jerk judgments might teach me something about how much mercy I still need!
(I also wonder if such honest self-reflection (first looking inward to make sure there isn't any self-righteousness or insecurity or unhealthy fear driving the response) might help us discern when a judgment is inappropriate and when it's really our gut/instinct/spiritual compass/etc. telling us we need to do something to keep ourselves safe.)