Intimacy in Marriage

Okay so this isn't the typical *simple* thought for a Sunday I usually post... but I think it's that good to share it with you!

As you know, I am forever grateful for my therapist, Maurice. I just met with him Friday to talk about recent triggers and future plans and as always, I left feeling edified and more capable in becoming a better woman. He's so worth EVERY dime and I am a sponge to his advice! Seriously. Anyhow, as we chatted about future plans and relationships, one of my favorite teachings of his came up... and then I asked him if I could re-post his writings here for all of you to read.

Because, I think he gets it.  Like, he really gets the way women think.

So, today's post is about intimacy in marriage- caveman style. 

Caveman Origins of Human Sexuality

(How it’s all supposed to work! )
By: Maurice W Harker, LPC

If we take a close look at how things might have worked back in cave man days, perhaps we can learn things about human sexuality that are more useful than what you might find in a modern Cosmo magazine.

Let me introduce you to 2 cavemen. Ug, and Thug. Each of these men have a different story with a different ending to their story. Ug will be the hero of this story. Thug, will be…. well, the thug. 

Ug had the advantage of not being contaminated by modern propaganda. We can imagine him waking up in the morning and recognizing that his wife and children are going to be hungry and cold if he doesn’t get out of bed and start getting their needs met. So, he jumps out of bed and actively begins the process of Providing and Protecting (see Proclamation on the Family paragraph 7). He builds a fire and makes sure there is a supply of clean water for his family before he leaves. When his wife wakes up and sees that he is gone, she smiles after seeing what he has done, and knows (based on past experience) what he has gone off to do. She has time and opportunity to be grateful for his efforts. 

Thug, on the other hand, wakes up and thinks about how he feels and what he wants to do, or rather, what he doesn’t want to do. Someone told him the secret of happiness is to focus on his feelings and to do what he wants to do. So, he notices that he would rather stay in his warm bed, than to go out in the cold. He notices that going out of the cave to fight, farm and build will be dangerous and scary and he doesn’t want to. So, for the sake of pursuing happiness, he stays in his warm bed. When his wife wakes up, she has to quickly get out of bed in order to build a fire and bring in water and start breakfast before the children wake up. Thug watches her from the bed and finds himself sexually stimulated watching her bustle around the cave. He touches her in a “playful” way and invites her back into bed for a little fun, because he feels like it. He is confused when she is “not in the mood”. Now she has made him grumpy. He decides that there is no way he is going to go out into the dangerous world for a woman who makes him feel like that.

Now, a long day goes by while Ug has been away from the cave. While gone he has chased off several other cave men who were wandering dangerously toward his cave. He killed one tiger who was working its way into his neighborhood. He killed one mammoth for food for his family. He worked for some time in the garden, and some time building a bigger home for his family. All day long, all he could think about is how to better provide for and protect his wife and kids. Almost never did he think about what he wanted, or what he felt like doing. Sex hasn’t even been on his mind. While he was gone, his wife felt comfortable taking the time to nurture the children, having confidence that her man was going to do all he could to meet their needs. When he came home, he dumped his load of meat and vegetables on the floor for his woman, walked under the nearby waterfall to wash off blood and dirt, and fell into bed after seeing his wife give him a sparkly-eyed smile.

Over at Thug’s cave, a few hours went by while Thug got more and more frustrated with his wife’s nagging. She kept complaining about all the things she didn’t have, like food and water and heat. Finally, she left the cave to go get the supplies herself. Now his kids were irritating him. Hours later she comes back with a side of beef flung over her shoulders and he finds her sweaty, muscular body to be quite attractive, so he offers her a sexual experience again, and he is confused as to why she declines again.

At Ug’s house, his wife puts together a nice dinner, feeds the kids and quickly gets them off to bed. She hums a tune the whole time and is in a hurry for her kids to go to sleep so she can spend some time with her man. Once they are down, she wakes him up and invites him to dinner. She hasn’t had to work too hard, so she is not over exhausted. She finds herself with extra energy and full of gratitude. She asks herself, “How can I show my gratitude?” and with that thought, notices warm sensations in warm parts of her body. As her man finishes eating she initiates a very nurturing experience for her man. 

When Ug wakes up the next morning, he finds himself invigorated. He wants to jump out of bed and do the same thing he did yesterday!

Thug is confused and unhappy. Why won’t his wife meet his needs? Why is she so unpleasant to live with? Why can’t she be more like Ug’s wife? He spent his day trying to do things that he felt like doing and that he wanted to do, why was he not happy?

As a clinician, I have learned that I can have a significant effect on the sexuality of a wife without even working with her. By working directly with the husband to help him have an attitude more like Ug’s, both the man and the wife start to enjoy greater intimacy – emotional, psychological, and physical. I have also learned that men with a life philosophy similar to Thug’s will get the same result that Thug gets. 

Also, contrary to modern propaganda, my interview with hundreds of women have yielded some information that was unexpected (at least for me and most other men I have met). Sex is not about physical pleasure for most women. Sex is not about reaching the big “O”. Sex for women seems to be about saying “Thank You”. Thank you for being nice. Thank you for making me feel safe and secure. Thank you for making me a priority. Thank you for doing things that are uncomfortable in order to meet my needs and the needs of my children. Yes, many women find the experience physically pleasing IF they are feeling grateful. 

Yes, occasionally I have found a woman who is not very good at being grateful. Ladies, if your man is trying really had and is doing a decent job of providing for you and trying to protect you, please be grateful. Gentlemen, it doesn’t count if you do good most of the time and only once in a while you do something that significantly hurts your women.

There seems to be a powerful circle of life and love. If he will work to make her feel safe and secure, and she reciprocates with making him feel confident and confident, both feel edified and rejoice together. Both have the strength and desire to do more of the same the next day.

~MAURICE HARKER
www.mwharkertherapist.blogspot.com

 ** This just makes sense to me! I'm not married now, but I once was and I can relate to much of what is written here. And I think this helps to better explain what is happening in many relationships- the way many women and men are feeling about their sex lives. I'm eager to hear your thoughts...What do you think about this?

**If you have any questions for Maurice, you are more than willing to ask them here. He knows I posted this today and so, you might just get a response from him :)

Image Credit
You can find Maurice's original post HERE.