My Name is MISSY

My name is Missy, and I’m infertile and 99% cry-free.

What’s that, you say?

You can wish me a Happy Mother’s Day and I won’t break down! You can post a photo of your newborn niece on Facebook and I won’t unfriend you! And while you’re at it - go right ahead and complain about your overactive 3^rd trimester bladder – I won’t be fantasizing about slapping you.

It seems like I’m a bit of a minority in this respect. I’m sure you know a few of us infertile women and we can be a touchy bunch. To be fair though, a girl can get a little tense when she’s pumped full of hormones and been told to “undress from the waist down” for the fifth time in one week.

Our journey towards parenthood has had plenty of laughs. What are the odds, for example, that the nice lady who processes my husband’s... samples... at the doctor’s office, would be married to his coworker? If I had a dollar for every friend, neighbor and acquaintance that I awkwardly ran into while at my near-constant doctor’s visits, I would be rich AND childless. I’m surprised that rumors of a stubborn STD didn’t start circulating. What non-pregnant girl goes to the OBGYN 20 times in one year???

I don’t claim to have the answers for anyone other than myself, but here are two ideas that have allowed me to be infertile AND happy for the last three years:

1. Figure out what you have control over, and what you don’t. Give your all to the former, and be at peace with the latter.

My body can’t make babies. But it also can’t fly, and I try not to lose sleep over either of those biological facts. I have control over the medical measures I pursue, and I have vigorously planned those things – but at the end of the day whether or not it happens is out of my hands, and I have decided not to make what I’m unable to do the focus of my life. Letting go of things you can’t control is incredibly FREEING. It releases you from unnecessary guilt and pain, and leaves you with more energy to work on what you can control.

2. Have a plan B. And while you’re at it – make it AWESOME.

So what happens if you don’t:  find “the one”/land that job/own that thing/have that baby?

After about two years of waiting to get pregnant I started to feel restless. My focus had been on pregnancy for so long that the rest of my life was in a rut. I started asking myself some hard questions about what would happen if life didn’t turn out the way I planned (as if it ever does! What a joke!). The truth was, all my plans ended at a door labeled “pregnancy” - there was no plan B. When I decided to take ownership of my future I had to face the scary idea that “I might not get pregnant, now or ever”. Admitting that hurt badly. But it was the ladder that got me out of that rut.  Don’t do yourself the disservice of limiting your growth and potential to be dependent on one particular event or outcome.  Face up to the scary maybes, and then have fun planning the AWESOME that will follow.

I don’t want my lighthearted attitude about infertility to minimize the very real pain and sorrow that many, many people experience. But I do want to share with you my strong belief that disappointments and heartbreaks (especially those that arise from circumstances that are out of your control) don’t need to define you or hold you back from making your life the most beautiful story you can dream up for yourself.

Next week I’ll find out the results of the last medical intervention that we are going to be attempting for now.

And the week after that?

In the words of a great man: “Come what may, and LOVE it”.

**Remember that the purpose of this series is to open our hearts, to interact, to uplift, to support and to grow. Missy will be reading your comments so you may comment directly to her. While no one wants pity, I am certain she would appreciate any questions you have and/or words of encouragement.

** Missy, this is seriously so incredible. Everything about this... about you... about your words... is so enriching and so vital. Thank you so much for writing about something so difficult, yet making it such an empowering message for all of us reading. I imagine you touch the lives of so many... I know you have uplifted my spirits many times. This is one of a kind- you are too.

p.s. Missy has a BLOG if you'd like to follow along- really good stuff on there!