A few weeks ago I received two emails from two different women (within about twenty minutes of each-other) asking bout this very idea... and I wanted to ask your thoughts...
Is it possible? I mean, really possible to share that sort of deep, meaningful, emotionally and intimately attached chemistry at some point and then, all of the sudden, cut it off- totally redefining your relationship to that of just friends?
I guess I'm just not the sort of person who could pull it off. I tend to hold onto things and if I kept dragging it on, it'd be really hard for me to ever let go and really detach. Ripping the band-aid off fast and feeling the burn allows for an easier heal, I think. And it's not that I don't care about that person... or that I never did care for him... it's that things change... relationships change... and when they do, sometimes it's best (even though it's the hardest) to go 100% NO CONTACT- no matter how lonely you are or how tempting it may be to send a simple caring text saying "Hey, how are you?" (because you genuinely do care how they are).
I remember how devastated I was when a guy I dated (post- divorce) blocked me from Facebook when we kind of 'broke up'. I thought it was rude and childish and to be honest, it crushed my ego. I cried and cried then, but now, I can't help but laugh because really, even though it felt like the end of the world that day, it wasn't and it actually turned out to be the best thing for us both- less drama and so much easier to move forward.
**So, what do you think? Can ex-lovers be friends? Have you been able to successfully stay 'friends' with your ex-boyfriend or ex-husband? Or not so much?
Image Credit
I remember how devastated I was when a guy I dated (post- divorce) blocked me from Facebook when we kind of 'broke up'. I thought it was rude and childish and to be honest, it crushed my ego. I cried and cried then, but now, I can't help but laugh because really, even though it felt like the end of the world that day, it wasn't and it actually turned out to be the best thing for us both- less drama and so much easier to move forward.
**So, what do you think? Can ex-lovers be friends? Have you been able to successfully stay 'friends' with your ex-boyfriend or ex-husband? Or not so much?
Image Credit
My brother is best friends with all of his long term ex-girlfriends. It is very f-d up if you ask me. It messes with your current relationships. Moving on means letting go. Even if you are the most enlightened person, there has to be some feelings left there even if you have both moved on.
ReplyDeleteOIY!!!!! I am going thru this right now! I dated a man for 5 months, hot and heavy, he lived in California (I live in PA! How's that for an LDR????) and we graduated high school together. He dumped me one night out of the blue before we were to take a scheduled 5 day family trip for me to meet his extended family. That was 2 years ago. This past week, he was in town, but I declined meeting out with him because of our history, and we "re-friended" each other on facebook just last night! He's back on the west coast now, but will be back next month to visit his family.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if I could get close to him again, as recently, I'm out of a 16 month turbulent relationship with someone else and am just in this weird place emotionally right now. To be honest, I would question my emotional attachment to him and wonder if it was the "right" thing to do (having any relations with him). He treated me well while IN the relationship, but dumped me!!!! We haven't spoken for 2 years!
I'm sure facebook friends will be OK for now, but where do you draw the line/set boundaries when something like this happens? I would think every situation is different.
:)
I Definitely think they CAN'T. I have been married now for almost two years. One of my ex boyfriends keeps emailing me and it is just weird. He gives me strange compliments and talks about the 'love' we used to have. it us really strange. My husbands ex girlfriend did the same thing to him when we were first married, she even flat out said she wanted to marry him. -- I just think it can't stay simple like everyone would want it to be.
ReplyDeleteI think it's possible to be friends. But I think that there needs to be a lot of time in between in order to do so. I think that with only one or two exceptions, I'd consider myself to be friends, or at least completely civil with all of my exes. Admittedly, I am one of those people who, immediately after the break up, completely cuts themselves off, on purpose. I just don't want to see them, talk to them, even hear their name. But I know most of the time, if things ended badly, I can go back and think about it after a year or so (and usually some random event triggers that thought) and end up contacting them and just saying hello and that it's okay, life happens. However, I think like some others have said, every situation is different. I would say that hanging out just as friends is strange and sometimes difficult after dating, because the same feelings can come back, and the boundaries have changed from before.
ReplyDeleteI think they can. There are only two of my ex's that I haven't been able to be friends with. My high school bf is still one of my very good friends and we still keep in touch. I don't know that I would ever be able to be friends with my ex husband though. We just had too much hurt. Maybe when it wears off or something, isn't that so sad?? I wish we could sometimes, for our son's sake, but we're both too hurt... Something changed forever and I don't know that we can ever overcome that. Now I'm going to go think about this subject some more and probably blog about it as well. Thanks for the in depth question, you are awesome Jacy!
ReplyDeleteAH, I have definitely thought about this before. For me, it depends on the person and depends on the relationship. With some guys, the breakup was pretty mutual and we became friends again almost immediately. With other guys, the breakup was more painful BUT...given several months or years apart, when we came back in contact again it was fine to be just friends. For me, it's just a matter of time and/or how intense the relationship was.
ReplyDeleteMaybe after a long time, but maybe not....I think it depends on the level of the relationship. I dated a man for four years before finally ending it and then within a year, met and married my husband. For awhile I exchanged an email here and there, but mostly I felt it was not a good idea. Move on. Chapter closed.
ReplyDeleteA different example...my husband is still friends with a girl he dated like, six years before me. And now I'm friends with her, too. Buuuuuut, we don't hang out. We don't really talk, except for the occasional mother-related thing/Christmas card.
Bottom line for me, there is a reason that person is not whom you are with....and I don't think the attraction really goes away...maybe differs some.
I don't know. Don't ask me. lol.
I've seen so many different opinions on this! I believe that they can actually! Of course, it takes time. and forgiveness. LOTS of both. It's all about taking a few weeks, months, even years to truly distance yourself from what the relationship was and then, when you've finally moved on, you can let that person back in. I dated a boy in high school who I was head over heels for, it ended horribly bad, and we didn't speak for 2 years. One day on facebook we decided to just catch up, and now we're great friends, and he was recently baptized and asked me to speak at the event! Of course, it will never be the same as it was, but with time and forgiveness you can begin to see in that person again the child of God you once fell in love with, and though the romantic feelings are long gone, the deep and abiding respect for them will remain :)
ReplyDeleteIf you are married, and still very fond of the ex - keep away! Many marriages have ended over old flings! I had a friend like that. It was OK to see him very few years at gatherings (invited to by other people), but for a time we had regular interactions on FB and it was not healthy!
ReplyDeleteI totally agree with Birdie and Katilda.. I think that after a given amount of time and healing, friendship is possible. With my high school boyfriend, after his mission, we decided to not move forward with the relationship, and he met an amazing girl and got married. However, we stayed friends and would occasionally check up on each other, and it's just nice to know that I always have a trusted friend in him. But at the same time, like the comment above, it must be kept at a healthy distance.
ReplyDeletei actually think its not alright because at some point you will remind each other of the good times you have had and it will put the person you have in a doubt do not fall back or look back on the ex because if they were as good as you think why then did they let you go love one who has made you the best woman you have ever been thats who you have now.work up women the person who cherish you is the one you have today.sherriffa
ReplyDeleteGreat question. I'm still "friends" with an ex lover, but we are on such TOTALLY different paths that it's more like an aquaintance that you catch up with occasionally...for me at least. I'm so thankful for what I have and that I did not end up with the ex down the paths that he's taken that I have NO worry about ever wanting to go there again.
ReplyDeleteHOWEVER, I absolutely know from experience that once you have formed that bond with someone that sex is meant to form (sacred, lifelong, etc.) no matter what you have been through because of them it is all too easy to slip back into it with them. So if you are going to try the "friends" route with an ex lover, you have to guard SO carefully to not ever put yourself in a position where you could be tempted.
And once you are in new relationships, it's important to be open and honest about your relationships with an ex. If it interferes with current relationships, you have to decide which is more important (hint: it's not the one that ENDED! Lol.)