Monday, October 29, 2012
I think we've all been there.
That awful moment. The moment when something seemingly harmless exits your mouth, only seconds later you realize it was rude, hurtful and totally inappropriate.
Yeah, I did it. On Saturday. It was an attempt at a joke, but it turned out to be far from anything funny... it was an insult.
The dynamic in Seth's eyes changed instantly and I knew I had messed up.
My heart pumped fast. I was frozen. I didn't know what to say.
Why did I just say that? Did that really come out of my mouth? Jacy, SERIOUSLY? What were you thinking?
In an effort to keep my life somewhat private, I'm not going to get into what I said, but just know that it wasn't my proudest moment. And of course, it just so happened right after two very crucial posts last week that talk about maintaining dignity and having empathy. Serves me right.
I sat across the table from Seth and my arms tingled. I felt so stupid. But instead of sitting there in silence and letting his hurt, and my own personal tension, linger and fester, I decided to humble myself and own what I had done.
"I'm sorry, Seth. That was a horrible, mean, pathetic thing to say. I don't know why on earth I said it or thought it. I am so sorry. Will you forgive me?"
And then I started to cry. Because I could never take those words back. Even if I said I was sorry a million times, those words were still said and the man I love the very most heard them, processed them and had to figure out what to do with them.
He hugged me tight and repeatedly told me not to worry about it- that it was okay- that he knew I was sorry. But still.
Saturday refreshed my memory of some very simple truths:
1) Think before I speak.
2) Own my mistakes.
3) Try to make things right immediately after the offense has been made.
4) Use the very humbling time to remind myself that I am so far from perfect.
5) Once the apology has been accepted (however long it takes), there is no reason to rehash it. Instead, move forward with a better understanding of myself, and being more aware of those around me.