My Name is JULIE

My name is Julie and I married my first true love.


When I was 18 years old, in January 1996, I went on a first date with Jake Jorgensen, the man I would marry, and the love of my life.  We fell in love instantly and had a great life.  In the first 7 years of our marriage we experienced many ups and downs.  We had 3 young boys who were all sweet and amazing.  We moved several times, but built our dream house in 2002.  Jake ran a cattle ranch that he loved, and I lived my dream as a stay at home mom.  Jake worked as a mechanic in a coal mine in addition to the ranch to make that possible.  We also experienced a devastating miscarriage, the loss of Jake’s job a few different times, and a [potentially life-threatening] health scare with our 4 year old that had him in the hospital for over a week with Kawasaki’s disease.  


We truly loved each other and made it through all the ups and downs together.
























In January 2004, I found myself over-scheduled and stressed- never saying no to anyone or anything.  Jake was our wards Young Mens President and I was the Primary President (church leadership).  Additionally, I was the PTA Vice-president, volunteering at the school to read with the kids, room mother, teaching a tumbling class for little boys, and oh yeah, being a wife and mother.  

On Thursday January 22, I called my Mom to complain about all my problems and at the end of the conversation she said, “I hope your weekend gets better.”  My response, “I don’t know how it could get worse!”.  

That night my husband left for work at 9:00 at night.  He worked graveyards at a coal mine in Price, Ut.  As he walked out the door, I called him back to give me a kiss goodbye.  We shared a passionate kiss in the middle of the stair case and I gave him my usual goodbye, “I love you, have a good night, and make sure you come home to me in the morning :).”

Around midnight there was a knock on my door.  

My best friend, my former bishop (released the week before), and our new bishop and his wife were standing on my porch.  I thought for a second they were coming to get me to go help someone in our ward.  They asked if they could come in...(no this isn’t happening to me, don’t let them in).  I must have let them in though, and they made me sit down. (Don’t say it, don’t listen, make them leave)  I hear my old Bishop say, “There’s been an accident at the mine and... (this isn’t happening, this is not my life!!!)  and Jake didn’t make it”.  Now my thoughts became screams as I sobbed uncontrollably.  “No!  Where is he?  Take me to him right now!  There has to be a chance!  He has to be ok!  I know he is alive!  Just take me to him and he’ll be alive.  PLEASE PLEASE take me to him!”  They didn’t have any details or know where he was... they just knew he was dead.  

My name is Julie and I am a widow.

I spent the night sobbing, waiting for my family to make the 2 hour drive to get to me. Then spent the next day sitting my 6, 3, and 1 year old sons on my lap, telling them their daddy died, and that he was never coming home.  I then went and picked out a casket for my amazing, adoring husband.  And OH YEAH, I took the pregnancy test I had bought the day before with such hope and excitement in my heart.

The test was POSITIVE. 

In the midst of the most horrible event I could imagine, I had a MIRACLE. This baby was a BLESSING. It was a piece of my sweet Jake still living inside of me. That little baby saved me.

There I was... 26 years old, a pregnant widow, and a single mom of soon-to-be 4 sons. 

No words can describe the feelings of a grieving wife whose husband was torn from her in a tragic accident.  I envied every story I heard of someone getting terminal cancer.  I imagined my car crashing into cement walls.  I wanted Jake.  I wanted to die so that I would be with him again and feel like I was alive.  The truth is when Jake died, so did I.  I felt like everything good and happy about me was drained out, and I was filled up with pain.  Everything was ripped from me, except my kids.  Our life, our dreams, and our plans no longer mattered, without him they were dead too.  How could I live without him?  How could I make plans, or have dreams ever again?  I remember sitting in a room filled with people and feeling completely alone.  The thought “Jake is dead, how is he dead, how is this my life?  This is NOT my life!” ran through my head 95% of the time. Grief is something that is dark and horrible and eventually can be sweet and peaceful.




















Having my 3 boys, as well as knowing that I was pregnant, kept me from doing anything crazy.  But, my family never left me alone either.  They were there for me from the night he died and still, to this day, remain close to help and serve me.  They were a blessing and a huge reason I was able to go on.  We decided that I would buy my parents house and they would build next door to us so they could help me raise the boys.  

I had made the first plan in my future without Jake. 

Eight months after Jake died, I gave birth to my sweet Jacob Jr.

He began the healing in my heart.  He was an angel from the start and has remained one ever since.  He just turned 8 years old.  He is so much like his Daddy it is crazy.  I’m thankful everyday to my Heavenly Father for giving him to me.  He is my miracle!

To be honest the first 2 years after Jake died are a blur.  It was so hard and exhausting.  But there were so many tender mercies along the way as well.  I began making a new life for me and the kids.  We started grief therapy, and new traditions that would ensure we would always remember Jake.  Slowly, we began to accept that he wasn’t coming back.  This was our new reality.

I remember my mom suggesting that I start dating after it had been a year.  My response, “Should I ask the guy to bring me home in the middle of the date to breast feed the baby (3 months old) or should I just take him along and breast feed him during dinner?”.  That got her off my back for a little while.  When Jake first died, I was offended by anyone even suggesting I remarry.  After a year or so though, I started realizing that I was so young and it would be a very long, lonely life if I stayed single.

I started dating after it had been about 2 years.  It was awful, scary, hilarious and sometimes even fun.  In April 2006 a man named Curtis asked me out and with a little divine intervention I eventually said yes.  It was hard at first but, within a short time we fell in love and I KNEW I was supposed to marry him. He had 4 sons as well, all the same ages as my kids.  I was thrilled to feel happiness again.  I was going to make plans and have dreams again!  Curtis was great about accepting Jake’s presence in our home, our lives, and my heart.  This made it easier for me to allow myself to fall in love with him.

It was amazing and romantic and perfect... until we got married and then it was all of those things, and also very, very hard.  Second marriages have so many problems that first marriages don’t have (and first marriages have plenty of problems).  I’m still not sure why I thought starting a marriage with 8 boys under 8 would be easy? ;)




















It took time for me to deal with feelings of betrayal once I remarried.  I struggled feeling like I was betraying Jake, and in time I began feeling like I was betraying Curtis, as well.  Being in love with 2 men is a strange thing.  I didn’t want to hurt either one of them.  Gradually however, with the love and understanding of Curtis, and the peaceful feelings that I get from Jake, I have been able to let that go.  I can be deeply in love with both of them and that is OK.  I even feel the love that Curtis and Jake have for each other.  It might not be a typical family unit, but it’s mine and I love it.




My name is Julie and I am in love with 2 men.

Curtis and I have had years of ups and downs.  Times that I was sure I was going to leave him and times that I have never felt happier, but we work hard at our marriage and are thriving and happy... (most of the time:).  

In the first months after Jake died I read a book about grief.  In it was a line that I keep close to my heart and have tried to live by.  “You can’t choose your trials in life, but you can choose how you deal with them.  You can choose to become better or bitter.”  I have tried hard to become better.  My kids are amazing people because of what they have been through.  I feel blessed to have two men who love me and accept each other being in my heart.  I feel happiness and joy everyday.  I think of Jake everyday.  He stays in my heart and we talk about him regularly.  Everyday that I was married to Jake I prayed for his safety.  I had faith and knew that God would protect him.  At the same time, everyday I also prayed to be able to accept God’s will in my life.  I also have faith in this.  I used to think that if I had faith God would protect me from anything bad happening to me.  Now I know that if I have faith God will help me survive anything.  

People say that “time heals all wounds”.  I beg to differ.  Time doesn’t heal, if anything it makes it worse.  It’s been longer since I have seen Jake, and heard his voice.  Longer since I’ve felt the love and strength in his embrace.  But what time does, is helps us learn how to deal with it better and how to cope with our new reality.  Time give us the chance to grow into the person we were meant to be.  I said before that grief can become sweet and peaceful, and that is because of time.  To think of Jake, see pictures of him, and take time to remember him brings a sweet, peaceful feeling.

My name is Julie and I am choosing to become better.

I wish I could say this was my only difficult trial in my life, and that I had learned all that I needed too. God’s will, once again, was different than mine.

Story to be continued next Friday...

**Remember that the purpose of this series is to support one another, to uplift, to inspire and to grow. Julie will be reading your comments and I know that she'd LOVE to hear from you.

**Julie.. Julie... Julie... To say you are one remarkable woman would be an understatement! Your story has been with me for many days now (along with many tears) and I am in absolute AWE by your resilient, brave and enduring soul. I can only imagine the kind of wonderful mother, wife, friend and woman you are and the kind of hope you offer to so many. Thank you so much for sharing such a traumatic, conflicting, yet unbelievably beautiful story with all of us today. It takes mammoth amounts of courage to talk so openly, remembering so much of your heartbreak, but I thank you from the bottom of my heart for it... because it has re-grounded me this week and your words and experiences will stay with me forever.

P.S. Julie has a really FUN blog! She is so talented! http://julie-juliescakes.blogspot.com/