Q & A: Divorce and the Best Way to be a Friend

The other night, I received this from a reader:

"I have a friend who announced that she is getting divorced. She has kept the details personal, which is fine, but I am struggling to know how to support her and ever since the announcement she has been pulling away. She has small children, and the road ahead is going to be tough for her. I know she needs support right now, but I don't seem to know the best way to give it to her. I'm worried that she will feel that she doesn't fit in anymore, or that we (myself and our group of friends) are judging her. I don't want to act like nothing is happening to her, but I also don't want to seem nosy or pester her if she needs privacy. What is the best way to be a friend to someone going through a divorce?"

This is a really good question.

Alright, so the truth is... Divorce stinks. And it doesn't matter what the cause of the split is, it is still a smelly, messy, crappy situation. Every divorce is different, just as the personalities of the people going through the divorce are, and there isn't a one-fix-solution... but here is some of the best advice I can give...

The Best Way to be a Friend to Someone Going Through a Divorce: 

ACKNOWLEDGE IT. There is honestly nothing worse than being avoided during such an awful time. I understand why many of us shy away from striking up conversations with people who are enduring tough trials, but I'm telling you... pretending like nothing is wrong is even more painful than any blunder that could be said. So, I would recommend that you get the awkward conversation out of the way as soon as possible! I promise you that you'll feel much better and she will too! Whether you call her one afternoon, take her to lunch, or set up a time to visit at her house, let her know that even though you might not know the perfect thing to say, or cannot relate first hand, or have nothing to take her pain away, you are her friend, you love her, and you are there for her.

My recent post on EMPATHY relates well to this. 

LISTEN TO HER. Don't tell her everything you think she should be doing. It's tempting... and I still catch myself doing this to my friends who are in the middle of divorce... but it's really not your role. Unless she asks for you advice, just listen. Listen carefully and let her know that you can hear what she is saying. Don't press for details... and if she feels safe divulging details... keep them private and ensure she has your confidence. 

BE USEFUL. It's really hard to ask for help- especially when you already feel like garbage. But if you are trying to be as useful as you can, she won't need to ask for help and that, in and of itself, is so marvelous. Take her hot meals. Take her out for a girls night. Offer to watch her children. Help her rake her leaves. Invite her over to your house for a weekly dinner (I had this... every Wednesday night my dear friends had me and my son over for dinner and it was one of the only things I had to look forward to). Bottom line, ask what you can be doing to help her... and if she says 'nothing'... do it anyway. 

DO NOT TAKE OFFENSE. If she turns you down on the girls night or the babysitting, don't quit asking. In fact, keep asking. You don't have to pester her, but just by checking in and letting her know she is on your mind and that you're still there, will make such a difference. And don't forget that even if she turns down your generous offers and doesn't respond to you all the time, she still loves you... she's just going through some really tough stuff right now.

DO LITTLE ACTS OF KINDNESS. A nice card in the mail. Cookies on the door. A sweet text telling her you are thinking of her. A positive quote via email. A little gift of lotions and bubble bath. Again, it doesn't have to be an obvious overload... but the little things do mean a lot.

BE THE KIND OF FRIEND YOU'D WANT IF YOU WERE IN HER SHOES. Not everyone is comfortable doing all the things listed above.... and that's okay. Just figure out a way to be a good friend... the type of friend you'd want to have if your world turned upside down. Everyone reacts to this sort of thing in a different manner, but if you can instill in her mind that you are there for her no matter what, she will feel your love and care and concern.

DON'T GIVE UP ON HER. She will change. She will grow. She will most likely be different than the friend you once had. Remember to be patient and to love her regardless. You may or may not agree with all of her choices... and you may be disappointed or may not understand her reasoning's for those choices... but to her, they are valid and they are apart of her journey. Be a constant in her life.

I truly believe that if you can be a positive influence, whilst being real with her too, you really can't go wrong. Like I said, we are all different... and some may or may not like this list... but the point you are making is that her being divorced (for whatever reasons), does not and WILL NOT change your friendship. Period.

Divorce is not easy... for anyone involved (the couple, family, friends, neighbors, etc)... but as long as we are trying- genuinely trying- OUR LOVE WILL BE FELT and that is the very most important part, I think.


**You can also read more about this on my older post called "If You Know There's Infidelity". Even if there's not actual infidelity, the principles can still apply. I've reiterated some here, but you can check it out anyway.


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