When I finally made it to the ER, I stood outside their rooms ( they were right next to each other) and with all of the noise and the confusion, the wonder of what the heck was going on?! was driving me crazy. I prayed to God and pleaded for both of them to be ok. I just wanted it to all go away, to be over and have the nurse come out and say "everything is going to be alright".
I sat down in shock and disbelief. This could not be happening to my son and my husband. I could not lose them! We were a family! A family, forever. A family that was strong!
There was so much going through my mind, so much that I could not believe. There was so much more I wanted to do with him, so much more I wanted to talk to him about, so much more life he had to offer.
WHY?? Why him? Why not me? WHY??
I was not sure how to react.
I sat there, holding Sam's hand and over and over again wondering WHY? At about 8:30 AM, I took my Sam’s hand, while his dad was still in surgery, and told him that he didn't need to hang on anymore. I told him that Dad would understand. I wanted him to go with the angels because I did not want him to be in anymore pain. I told him that I loved him so very much and would miss him like crazy. From the moment he had been admitted into the hospital, my Sam hadn't made one noise. But right after I said these things, he coughed. I told him that Dad loved him and would miss him and he coughed, again. I did the same for his sister and his brother and each time, he coughed. He was telling me he loved us, too. He could not communicate any other way, but that was his way. I had a smile of happiness, but one of sadness, also. This tender reassurance comforted me to know that he understood me, that he was there spiritually and that he was going to be alright up in heaven.
This past year has been a very trying year. With all the "first's" coming around, my husband hasn't been able to work for almost 5 months after because of his injuries, my 13 year old daughter has been going through so much... I have questioned my belief in God, I have questioned my belief in my own life many times, I have questioned so much and the one thing that keeps me going is my amazing family. I have, at times, wanted to give up- especially with it getting closer and closer to that dreaded date of August 6th. There is a saying "Take it one day at a time" well, I have had to change that to "take it one minute at a time"because that is all I can do right now.
*Remember that the purpose of this series is to open our hearts, to interact, to uplift, to support and to grow. Jennifer will be reading your comments so you may comment directly to her.